Frequently I converse with parents regarding the question of whether a child should be made to continue piano lessons (or start them in the first place). This question evokes a mosaic of responses from me, primarily because my own musical career would have fallen by the wayside had my mother had not forced me to continue lessons.

I waged endless battles against studying piano, the recollection of which are shameful to recall. To be honest, I practiced to the degree required by the opportunities I had for performing. This frustrated my mother endlessly and puzzled me because I genuinely liked learning new works and presenting them in recitals.

Neither of us identified the missing element: a regular connection to the very thing music is about: playing with and for others. Recitals took place just once or twice a year. Had I played weekly in church, or been in band or orchestra, my attitude towards practice would have changed.

But playing the piano can be a lonely occupation, particularly in my circumstances. We did not live in a community filled with concerts and music festivals. I had no duet partner. I knew little about the body of chamber music that young players can master and perform together. The missing link—a vital musical connection with others—left me bored with lessons.

Yet, I was a promising pianist. As a high-schooler playing Brahms and Prokofiev, I found myself with scholarships to college. Those combative piano lessons of childhood led to a streak of opportunities, including a master’s in piano performance followed by a shift into the discipline of musicology that opened grants for research abroad and a professorship that defined my life unto this day.

But that is my story. It doesn’t necessary speak to a mom whose nine-year old moans about continuing piano lessons this fall.

Still, a few principles from my story do extend. First, it is nearly always a parent who starts and keeps the ball rolling when a child studies music. Yes, some children beg to begin lessons at age four or five, and a small percentage of those turn out to be self-motivated, and even highly accomplished, players, But more often than not, it’s mom pushing to give the child the experience of learning music.

Secondly, most kids have to be pushed during of the years of study. “Pushed” can mean anything from encouraged to threatened. In my case, threatening worked as my mother did not practice persuasive bargaining. Still, today I realize that she took every action possible within our circumstances to encourage my progress. And she did recognize when it was time for me to change teachers.

Changing teachers brings up the third principle. The right teacher can make a huge difference for a child. For little kids, one wants a kindly but serious teacher who has real knowledge and pedagogical skills. It’s fine for Aunt Midge to give the first few lessons, but Aunt Midge needs to be a solid teacher if she continues to be the primary source of instruction. Also, the child needs to view Aunt Midge as a teacher, and not just her favorite (or least favorite) relative.

Children outgrow teachers. Teachers reach their limits with students, sometimes due to the advanced level a child achieves, and other times, when the spark between student and teacher runs its course. Lessons need to be engaging, challenging, rewarding, even transformative. A change of teachers and the teaching environment can revitalize many a recalcitrant child.

Principle Four: the goal of studying an instrument for children has always been two-fold: 1) individual cognitive and aesthetic development; 2) preserving and passing down the musical heritage of a culture. These two goals ring true whether the child lives in New York City or in an Indonesian village. They are also true whether that child lived four centuries ago or today.

Kids get smarter when they learn an instrument. They also are happier when they acquire some musical proficiency. Today’s scientists can measure precisely the cognitive changes that come from singing and playing instruments, as well as hearing and memorizing music. But beyond these positives, a child studying music is building a bridge to a cultural treasure in terms of both the instrument itself and the compositions that will be studied, learned, and appreciated. Understandably, though, it is hard for a parent to keep this bigger picture in mind when a child whines about lessons. Still, remembering the cognitive advantages and cultural “end goal” does help to justify the financial and logistical sacrifices necessary to oversee a child’s study of music.

I admire the moms who simply say: “My dear son, my dear daughter, you will study piano (or violin) for two years, and at that point we will decide together which way your training will go.” End of story. In large families, where older children have fulfilled such a clearly stated expectation, the task is easier for the younger ones who are likely to admire their siblings’ achievements.

Of course, a parent can reevaluate along the way. If a child repeatedly ogles his neighbor’s violin, her attraction towards stringed instruments may not be merely a passing fancy (or a kid-clever argument for stopping piano lessons). Try to place your child in some kind of serious choir, be it a community children’s chorus, a good church ensemble, or an ethnic folk chorus. There are reasons why children around the world throughout history have been given rigorous choral training. Singing most greatly develops a child’s musicality and capability. It also helps a child see how musical forces (voices + piano, organ, orchestral instruments) come together in a grand manner.

Try, too, to expose the child to as much acoustical music-making as possible from banjos to string quartets, saxophone quintets to trombone choirs, hammered dulcimers to pipe organ. If young piano students can imagine themselves being part of the larger world of music-making, part of the loneliness of practicing the piano will drop away.

Of course, there are times when lessons need to be discontinued due to financial or logistical considerations. Sickness or a challenging family situation can make it hard to continue lessons. Keep in mind, though, that the power of music can be a tangible salve for a child in stressful circumstances.

Above all, remember that the goal is not to send a child to the stage of Carnegie Hall (although that sometimes happens). The goal is to foster a love and understanding of music within a child who, one day, may joyfully fill a seat in the audience at Carnegie Hall.